How to survive a Gremlin Outbreak

by Mike Fauls and Andrew Schultz

Have you ever wondered what would happen to you if your little furry friend Gizmo went crazy? If he were to spill water on himself or, heaven forbid, tamper with your clock and have you feed him after midnight? You would have a catastrophe on your hands that wouldn’t be able to be solved without a little bloodshed and a lot of luck. Good thing for you that we’re here to help you. With these four steps you can survive the Gremlin horror.

Step One: As soon as you find the gremlin’s egg or cocoon, smash it with a sledge hammer. The catastrophe has been avoided! Good job! If it was already hatched, then proceed to step two.

Step Two: If you didn’t manage to get there on time, grab the closest weapon, preferably a long range one (bow, shotgun, rocket launcher, etc.), make your way to the closest candy shop or pool (if no long range weapons are available, grab a knife or other close range weapon). Gremlins, when outnumbered, will multiply by putting water on themselves.

Step Three: If you are lucky enough to get to them before they get to you, then shoot it. Don’t look at it for a few minutes; don’t say, “Wow, that’s a pretty scary lookin’ dude.” Just shoot it. If you take the time to say this or stare at it, you deserve what’s coming to you.

Step Four: When you go to kill it, try and blind them first by shining a bright light in their eyes; they hate that. And if you want to try and wait all of this out, sunlight will start to kill them, then run up on them while they are stunned and finish them off. If you still have one left to deal with (usually the one with the Mohawk), then try to trap him and kill him from long range.

*WARNING: Don’t think that you won’t get hurt while taking out this Gremlin monstrosity; chances are you’ll probably be severely injured, perhaps even fatally. Gremlins are bad dudes.